I Stand Alone?

          What does it mean to be alone? For the majority of my day, I am alone. I don't really talk to people during my classes. I sit alone at lunch and say nothing for the most part. I do say "hey" to people in the hallways, primarily my really close friends... the ones I trust. I do have a Twitter, but I mostly do certain things because I feel obligated to. If I just get rid of it, I run the risk of being a bad friend to those I do care about by abandoning them. At least, I just think that. Mostly for after-school activities, I go there to work. It's so nice though when I do get to talk to people, primarily one or two people at a time. I can't stand crowds. I consider myself alone because my social interaction with others is far below average.  I consider the average to chat away at lunch to friends and text non-stop during class (or whenever the opportunity presents itself). So I'm alone, what does that mean?

          I've been able to tell when I feel lonely based on feeling hurt, sad, and envious when surrounded by people yet I just sit there (aka lunch).  I know, "If you're lonely you should just get up and talk to other people."  First, I don't think anyone would want to talk to me. Not putting myself down, just being realistic. Second, I wouldn't know want to talk about. I have pretty bad social skills. Once again, being realistic. Third, there's only one other kid at my table, and I don't want to leave him by himself. Sure, we don't talk to each other, but I know how much it hurts when somebody just decides to leave you. "You're not worth my time; rot alone for all I care. I have better things to do." This chorus echoes in my head pretty much everyday at lunch. It's fine, though, I'm still kicking.

          Why the pain? I thought I was an introvert? After a lot of thinking this luxurious break, I think I understand this. I feel lonely because society holds the standard that teenagers need to be in constant interaction with others. I see so many people, happy, talking, and together; I feel as though that's what I need.  No.  When I don't think about others, I'm fine by myself; heck, I'm spectacular. When I'm with other people, I always feel awkward and in pain, anxious that I will mess up.  It's like trying to ask an out-of-your-league girl out (yes I know what that's like), except it applies to everyone, even the friends I hold dear. I only feel upset because I make myself upset. If I'm consciously alone, I'll feel bad. I need to learn to be content with being alone; I need to forsake this societal custom that loneliness is unnatural for the teenager.  Or, at least, accept the pain. I've been doing that lately at lunch where I tell myself that this pain is life so accept it for what it is. Sure, my chest, stomach, and throat hurt with shortness breath, but I feel better going to my next class. I feel good knowing I felt life, even if it is the bad part.

          So, I just felt like getting this out there. I hate Twitter and social networking sites and crowds. I enjoy getting some interaction in, (this is my interaction for today), even though it still hurts. But hey, life hurts. I'm learning to like the pain. Lastly, I need to break the hold of trying to fit into society's norm. I don't need a big group of friends, I don't need to be constantly with someone, and I don't need a girlfriend.